The Witch Doctor

That's who I'm making my next call to.

She isn't really a Witch Doctor - it's just what I'm calling her for lack of a better description. We have a client who has become a very good friend to me. She owns and operates a perfumery here in town and she's been in the business for quite some time and sells "knock-offs" of name brand perfumes and colognes. I'm hooked on the Burberry type myself.

For nearly three weeks now she's been offering to whip me up a batch of something and I've graciously declined her offers. Today, I'm calling her up and telling her I'm all in.

Last night I was again disappointed after knocking down a good size swig of my new cough syrup with codeine. I didn't even bother going into bed, I just stayed on the sofa from the get go.

Today I feel "off". That's really the only way I can describe it. I think I'm just so run down from lack of sleep and it's finally caught up with me and is hitting me pretty hard. My head feels floaty and it's getting progressively harder to keep my eyes open. And it's only 10:15. Man do I have a long day ahead of me.

I thought about trying to lay down at home on my lunch break but I've convinced myself I wouldn't wake back up in time to make it back to work. I don't think I'm anywhere near sick enough to stay at home.

I mean, I feel ok other than this shitty cough. And I'm tired from all the lack of sleep since I'm up most of the night coughing.

Ahhh. I just don't know what to do any more.

The results are in

I called the doc's office yesterday first thing in the morning to see if my x-ray results were in. At 3pm I hadn't heard anything and my cough was getting progressively worse - I didn't think that was possible anymore but I was wrong.

Shortly after 3 I called in again. The nurse came on and asked if I was able to come into the office RIGHT NOW. If that isn't a good way to freak someone out I don't know what is. They wouldn't tell me the test results, said they were in but wanted me in the office.

At about 4:30 the nurse called back and did give me the results. No pneumonia. Good news I suppose. But they still don't have any rationale for the lingering and worsening cough. So, now I've got yet another new prescription to try. I've almost got myself convinced that I'm doomed to have this nasty shit until the end of time. I hope that isn't true.

So, tonight I'll be swigging down some generic Robitussin with codeine. It typically works wonders for me. But, again, I'm not getting my hopes up. Nothing that typically works seems to be working this time around.

Captain Xa-Ray

Friday afternoon I called the doc's office to see about getting rid of this mutant cough. It took a while, but I somehow managed to convince the nurse that I wasn't about to spend the rest of my life sleeping in an upright position on my sofa when I have a perfectly good king size bed calling out my name. She called me back just before 5pm with word that the doc had approved getting me some more meds and strongly suggesting I get a chest x-ray asap.

So I went to the drug store and picked up my script for 3 days of Prednisone (nasty shit) and then we were off to a going away party for some friends of ours. I didn't read the label on the meds, but I'm guessing it didn't suggest it be taken with Bud Light. Oh well, drink 'em if you got 'em.

Saturday morning I went and had my chest X-Ray (my daughter says x-a-ray). It took all of about 5 minutes and I'm guessing I'll get a bill for about $800. As long as my doc can figure out why I'm still coughing I guess it'll be worth every penny.

Saturday night we went out with a group of friends for a birthday. Dinner. Drinking. All adults, all the kids were with overnight babysitters. We really need to do that more often. Adult night.

Friday and Saturday we were with most of the same people. The new drink of choice for several is Captain and Coke. I tried one. Not bad. Never really cared for the "spiced" part, but when you put it with Diet Coke, which I also don't care for - at all, it works. Tried one with Diet Pepsi, my cola of choice, not so good.

So, Sunday my husband went out and bought a fifth of Captain Morgan and a 2 liter of Diet Coke. The coke is all gone, the Captain is about a 1/3 gone.

So, new plan of attack for my mutant cough. Dr. Captain Morgan.

Sucker Punched

Yeah, I thought I was getting over this bronchitis crud when, BLAMO!! Sucker Punched back into it. Should have known it was too good to be true when I was in my own bed for the second night in a row and I started coughing. Last night I was in bed for about 3 hours, freezing the entire time, got up at 1:30 in a coughing fit and ended up on the sofa until 4:30 when Hubby sent me back to bed. Yuck. I'm calling the doctors office this afternoon and giving them a piece of my mind, a small one, but a piece of my mind all the same.

I also thought I had completed all the stages of my grieving process over the suicide of my cousin, Eric. All those emotions came rushing back yesterday. I found out that a client of ours, an 18 year old kid, committed suicide by hanging himself in the family garage. His mother found him.

It's kind of bizarre but I somehow feel connected to her in a strange way. It's because I know what she's feeling; the despair, disbelief, the total devastation of the whole situation. All the images that come as flashbacks.

I found myself crying for a good steady hour last night. I was standing in my kitchen and happened across the picture on my fridge of Eric with my daughter, my niece and my cousin's daughter from a party over the summer. He had his arms around all three little girls and all of them were smiling. I lost it and sat in the TV room just crying about everything and nothing.

Next month is going to be rough. Eric's 30th birthday is April 7th.

I can deal with this

Finally - I'm starting to feel better. For the first night in over a week I slept the entire night in my bed. Yeah!!!

I do have a terrible sinus headache but I can deal with it a whole lot better than the whole hacking up a lung business. I'm still coughing a little, but it's nothing like what I was doing a week ago. And my voice is somewhat back to normal, I'm more nasal-y today than anything, but that goes hand in hand with the sinus headache.

My Mom and Dad are basically home from Arizona now. I talked to Mom at Noon and they were in Iowa and expected to be home no later than 2pm. We've already got dinner plans to meet them tonight with my sister and neice. The hubby is a little less than thrilled. Everytime Mom suggests we meet for dinner we end up at Pizza Hut for the buffet. Not that either of us hate Pizza Hut, we just don't eat there.

Within the next week we're going to start having a crazy running the kid around town schedule. She's signed up for spring soccer and has practice starting this week. In April when the games start she'll have one during the week and one on Saturday in addition to practices. We also signed her up for T-Ball this Spring and I have no clue when that starts. Crazy.

I made it to the gym last night for the first time since last Tuesday. I just walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes at a brisk pace. I wanted to run, I really really did, I just didn't have the strength to do it. I'm feeling better but still trying to catch up from the lack of sleep from all the coughing and sleeping on the couch.

Still no flower girl dress for the wedding she's in on April 14. Should I offically start to panic yet?

Sick and Tired of feeling Sick and Tired

The title says it all. I am absolutely sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I haven't slept in my bed in a week. I love my sofa and all, but not as a week long substitute for my nice cushy king size pillow top bed. What I wouldn't give to be able to lay flat. Seriously.

I have coughed so much in the past week that I expect to have abs of steel. I don't. But I should.

I've decided that the drugs prescribed by my doctor for my current ailments are highly over rated. What ever kind of mutant sinus infection / bronchitis / strep throat strain of virus I have is just laughing it's ass off at me for thinking those measly pills and weak cough syrup would have any effect on it what so ever.

I just talked with a nurse-client who said I need to get another round of the Z-Pack and that I'll likely need another one after that. She works downstate, but said she's seen this thing lasting for up to three weeks. THREE WEEKS!

Saturday in Joliet was really nice. The train station has a beautiful room they rent out for receptions and so forth. The pictures on their website really don't do it any justice. It was a little odd to be sampling chicken and steak at 10:00 in the morning, but we somehow managed to muddle through it. Judging by the size of the sample entrees they brought out for us to taste it will be nearly impossible for anyone to leave there hungry. If they do, it's their own damn fault. Period.

So, if anybody has any suggestions for me to whip the ass of this mutant virus - let me know. At this point, I'm willing to try just about anything - that's legal that is.

Psyched Up / Psyched Out

Wednesday when I wrote I was looking forward to the opportunity to take the cough syrup my doctor had prescribed for my bronchitis. Normally I get the generic version of Robitussin with codeine, that isn't what I got this time - and I didn't realize it until I went to swig some down. I was all psyched up because I was under the impression I would get some sleep. Man, was I ever wrong.

Thursday I ended up staying home from work. No doubt I needed it, probably should have stayed home today too, yet here I sit at work hacking out a lung while trying to carry on somewhat intelligent conversations on the telephone with clients.

I've spent the last three nights "sleeping" on the couch. I have to basically find a way to sleep in an upright position. Not real easy to do. At least I'm nice enough to go out to the couch and let my husband get some sleep. Lucky bastard.

Tomorrow I have to drive my Aunt to Joliet. I'm hoping that I'm feeling better after getting 3 days worth of Z-Pack into my system. I just don't know. I can't imagine feeling much worse, but the possibility of feeling any better seems to elude me too.

Triple Threat

Remember yesterday I said I felt like I'd been hit by a Mack truck? Well, this morning when I woke up I felt like I'd been hit by a train, a speeding train.

I finally broke down and figured I may as well just go to the Doctor and get rid of this crap. So, I went, and found out that I have not one, not two, but three ailments! Ding Ding Ding - jackpot!

So, I am the proud new owner of (1) a sinus infection, (2) bronchitis, (3) strep throat. Yipee!!! So now I've got no less than $70 into being sick today between the co-pay at the doctors office and three prescriptions.

Is it wrong to be looking forward to being able to take one of the scripts? I've got cough syrup with codeine to help with the night time coughing and let me sleep. I LOOOOOOVE that stuff.

What's that I hear? Ahhh....silence

Finally - a full 24 hour period of no email attacks on the character of any member of my whacked out family. Maybe these bitches have finally realized that their kids are, in fact, more adult than they are. I bet that's a sad realization. Too bad it always has been and always will be the case.

This morning I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a Mack truck. The entire right side of my face is very tender to the touch and my throat feels as though I swallowed, without chewing, an entire package of Brillo pads. Thankfully, my nose isn't running - yet.

The weather today is awesome here. A balmy 74 degrees and plenty of sunshine. Finally! Too bad it's short lived, and more than likely the reason I feel the way I feel today. Never fails, the weather breaks and I get bronchial pneumonia. I could set my clock off that happening every stinking year. I get the flu shot now to help with that, I still get it - just not as bad.

The daylight savings time thing has really kicked my ass this year. The other night I went to bed at 9:30 and laid there trying to convince my body/mind that it wasn't 8:30 when it really was. Getting up in the morning is a treat too. I've never been a morning person and this is taking that to an all new level.

I stepped on the scale this morning and was pleasantly surprised. I'm down a total of 5 pounds. My ultimate goal was to drop 15 and get back down to 125 but remember I said I'd be happy at 130. Well, I'm almost there and it feels great! Gotta keep on keepin' on.

No ex-husband at the gym lately. Ha! Loser. Victory is mine.

The bulls**t continues

The email war in my family rages on. Although, I've checked both my email accounts that I was getting this stuff at and surprisingly enough, no messages today. Thank God! Maybe the "adults" have finally decided they start acting like adults. I'm convinced this won't last very long - these bitches can't keep their effing mouths shut come hell or high water.

On Saturday morning I read an email from my youngest aunt (she's 9 years older than me) that indicated that she saw me give my 6 year old daughter permission to talk to another aunt. First of all, she was not at the table we were sitting at but at a table behind and off to the side of us, and second of all how can you give a 6 year old permission to talk or not to talk to anyone let alone an Aunt?!? She can believe whatever she wants to believe about what she "saw" but every person sitting at the table with me knows the truth - and her version ain't it.

I read that email and I was so pissed off I couldn't see straight. I thought for sure I'd broken our home computer with how hard I was slamming on the keys to get the whole thing turned off. No way was I going to ruin my weekend with that garbage.

So, the weather here in small town Illinois seems to have finally broken. Hallelujah! I'm so sick of cold and desperate for warm weather and lots of sunshine! I hate cold weather, always have and probably always will. Someday I might be able to convince my husband that we CAN live someplace warm all year round. Until then, I'm afraid I'm doomed to stay here. Too bad he doesn't have a job that would require him to relocate. Though, even if he did have to relocate with his company the best we could probably hope for would be Quincy, Illinois. There is a plant in California but I don't think they employ many people that don't speak Spanish in some form.

That's about it - nothing exciting going on here except for my family slicing each other's heads off with their words. Good thing there's lots and lots of beer around - I need it.

My Life - The made for TV Movie edition

I think I need to hook up with someone who writes made for TV movies. I swear they would tell me that I'm making up the events of my life to sensationalize things. I'm not making this shit up. This kind of crazy is all real.

My family is currently involved in what I can only call an email defamiation of character attack.

I have three aunts that have decided to band together as one, putting my Aunt in Arizona with cancer in the front as their mouthpeice. She's been spouting off about all sorts of things since she was put on meds for her cancer and blames her irrational remarks on that. Now, I don't doubt that there are obvious side effects of the many drugs being pumped into her body in addition to the radiation, but it's not right to start saying things that have been pent up inside for years and blame it on the drugs. I'm pretty sure that chemo doesn't make you remember being whacked in the face with a putt-putt toy when she was 20 and I was 2. I'm sure it isn't helping that it was her only son that recently commited suicide either.

I have 2 cousins getting married this year. One is 23 and getting married next month here in town. The other is 28 and getting married in Chicago at the end of June. 23 year old cousin's parents (my aunt) are footing the bill for everything. (To the point where she wants to reimburse me for the $9 shoes I bought for my daughter, neice and cousin - the flower girls.) 28 year old cousin is footing her own bill, lock stock and barrel.

Jenn, the Chicago cousin, lives in the 'burbs and has for many years. She lives in a $200k+ house that she and her fiance purchased. She drives a brand new company car and has a very nice, high paying job. She's a big city girl to the core.

Amanda, the local cousin, lives here and always has. She lives in a $80k house that her parents bought for her (it's an "investment" if you ask them but nobody's paying any rent so I don't know how that can be a very successful investment). She drives an older car that's in ok shape. She's a hairdresser at a busy local salon. She's a small town girl.

You can't compare the two. No way, no how.

But somehow, Heidi (I know, I know - it's her again!) is doing just that.

God forbid if Jenn should happen to have anything nicer than Amanda.

I've kept my mouth shut, even though in a previous post I said I wouldn't. Jenn and I talked on the phone for nearly 2 hours the other night and were feeling better about the whole thing until the emails started coming again. This is a fucking joke.

There is no "we" in my family. It's turned in to keeping score of who helped who with what and how much it cost them, who's got the biggest, the best, the only whatever. This isn't the way families are supposed to be. Families are supposed to be there for each other and give what they can give when they can give it. Be it emotional or financial. We aren't all in positions in our lives where we can help out with money, but we can sure lend emotional support, drive someone around, pick up their kids, etc. Every little bit helps.

I know a lot of this is all pent up emotions. Since Eric's death and the events surrounding that we've all been kind of on edge. I do think that every one of us would benefit from some sort of grief recovery group, or suicide survivor's group, something of that nature. It's hard to go through each day knowing that he didn't feel that he had anyone to talk to about his troubles, to the point that he took a gun, put it to his head and pulled the trigger.

Not that I understand why he did that, because I don't and never will, but look at what's going on in my family. His actions almost make sense.

Destined to be

It happened again last night. I walked into the gym to run and there was the asshole. Perfect.

I gave him a dose of his own medicine and ignored his presence. Looked right through him. Felt good. Damn good.

Toward the end of my workout I noticed a girl that walked up to his treadmill, took his bottle of water and took a drink of it. Things like that don't normally happen without a reaction unless the person doing that is your significant other. I didn't see clearly, but she looked a little, shall we say, thick.

Suddenly a smile passed over me. Ha! The jerk likes 'em thick now. Good for him.

So, I guess my luck of never crossing paths with my ex-husband has ended and we're destined to be side by side on treadmills at the fitness center. Oh well, could be worse I suppose.

Like my mom always said - Kill 'em with kindness.

Karma

I got an email from my cousin Jenn a week ago or so, it's a pretty good one. After I read it I emailed her back and asked if she forwarded it to our Aunt Heidi as there were many times I thought specifically of her when I read.

I'm not computer savvy enough to figure out how to link it to this post. If you don't believe me, just ask Ms. Garima Gupta at Dell Tech Support. I had the fine pleasure of chatting with her for pretty much all day Sunday trying to get our home computer back from the land of the dead. Too much to get into here today - I'll save that tasty tidbit for another day.

Here's that email about Karma:

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Small Town living

Most of the time I'm happy that I live in a small town. The benefits of living here, versus living somewhere "in the City" are many - no rush hour traffic, no trouble finding a parking spot, reasonably priced housing, good schools, low crime rate, etc, etc.

The one thing that could be seen as a positive, as well as a negative, is that most people know everybody in town. It's good because, well, you know most everybody in town. It's bad because that means most everybody in town knows your business.

I've been here for basically my entire life. I did go away to college, but came right back for some reason. Oh yeah, I remember know, it was for a boy. More on that a little farther down.

We have roughly 7,200 people here in town. It's about a 10 minute ride to many surrounding small communities and about 20 minutes to good shopping. We're right smack dab in the middle of nowhere - 60 miles from Peoria, 60 miles from the Quad Cities, and about 125 miles from Chicago. Interstate 80 runs through the north end of town and the Amtrak station is at that end of town too. I can get anywhere I want/need to go/get without much effort.

I went away to college and made sure I was far enough away from home to be away from home, but close enough to home that I could get home without it taking too long. I figured 300 miles was good, so off to Charleston, Illinois and Eastern Illinois University I went. I loved it there. If things had been different I would have probably stayed in that area, or gone farther south yet - I do like the St. Louis area an awful lot.

Shortly after I started my "senior" year at EIU I started dating a guy from home. We were in High School together and was never anyone I thought I'd end up with. I actually pretty much hated him in High School. Should've been a clue.

Things got harder and harder with the long distance relationship. I would have rather spent time with him than worry about anything at all to do with school. Eventually, I dropped out before I was kicked out for lack of academic performance. I do blame that on him, maybe I shouldn't but, if not for our relationship I would have been much more focused.

On July 15, 1995 we got married. We were both 23. We were the first of the group of his buddies to be married. Doomed from the start.

In January of 1996 he moved out. In March of 1996 our divorce was finalized. We had no kids, no assets, only bills bills bills.

In the time that we've been divorced we've both lived in this same small town the entire time. We both remarried. We both had kids. He got divorced again. (Ha!) For some amazing reason, we rarely ever cross paths. I'm not complaining, at all. Like I always say, there's a reason we're divorced.

Last night I went to the Met at my normal time to work out. When I dropped my card at the desk the girl working made a weird look at me and kind of motioned into the cardio room. So I look in there to see what she's motioning at and there he is. On the machine right fricking next to the one I wanted. Figures.

Oh well, plenty of other things to choose from, I pick a treadmill out of his direct view and get going. There are tinted windows to the pool below just in front of the line of treadmills so you can look into the windows and see behind you pretty well. The asshole stared right at me the entire time, it was very obvious. Believe me, if looks could have killed I would have been on the floor dead in 2 seconds flat.

Being the bigger person, I keep going until my workout was done. I even smiled at him when he finished before me and got his stuff from the table just off to the side of the treadmill I was using.

So, when I went to check out and get my card back, the girl asks me how things went. I told her it was about as comfortable as getting a root canal without novocane.

I don't get it. I mean, I don't want him to be my friend - not at all. But we live in the same fricking small town and we're going to run into each other from time to time. I guess it's too much to ask that he acknowledge that we spent 5 years of our lives together. I mean, I seriously get more from strangers I pass walking on the street.

He needs to grow up and realize that HE is the one that walked out of the relationship. Time has passed. I'm happy with my life. I wouldn't change a thing, well, maybe I would erase that asshole.