There are still honest people around

Well last night I had a "moment" that could have caused BIG trouble at my house...

I went to the rec center to workout, as I do six days a week. I got done running my 3 miles and went in to the ladies room to wipe the sweat off my face to try to keep the zits away, just like I do six days a week. I walked out and got my card back from the nice lady at the front counter and went on my way home.

When I got home I went through my jacket pockets to put my card and iPod away and there was no iPod. Oh crap. I went and looked in my car - no iPod. So, back out of the garage I went and back to the rec center to hope that someone did the right thing and turned it in. On my way I was praying to God and anybody else I thought might listen to me that it would be there in one piece rather than smashed into a bijillion in the parking lot. I was also praying that it was just there.

So, I walked in the front door, back up to the nice lady at the counter and asked in a kind of yeah like this is gonna actually happen voice - "Did anyone happen to turn in a pink camouflage iPod nano in the last 10 minutes?" And I was amazed when she opened a drawer and pulled it out. Viola!

Seems I'd left it laying on the counter next to the sink in the ladies room. The good thing is that as I was walking out the cleaning lady was walking in. They figured it must have been mine and put my name on it and put it in a secure place.

Thank you cleaning lady for being such an honest person!!! (I'll bet she listened to it for a while when she was tidying up in there and realized that my choice in music was a little strange, to say the least.)

I forgot to do it today, but I'll do it tomorrow, I'm going to call the Officer Manager out there (I used to work there, she was my boss) and let her know and make sure my appreciation is passed on to the cleaning lady. So many people today don't do the "right" thing. I'm very glad she did.

See, my husband and daughter bought me that iPod for my birthday last year and it has special engraving on it. I'd have been in super big trouble if I hadn't gotten it back.

What pissed me off the most about all my airheadedness is that I only got to see the last 15 minutes of American Idol. Man, I wanted to see the yellow chicken looking chic so bad! I almost like these episodes of AI the best because of all the people who can't sing that think they can and are genuinely upset when told that they sound like a dying animal. It never ceases to amaze me.

There's something about....me

I just got my haircut. On a whim. In the middle of the day. For no good reason.

And I am LOVING IT already. I went someplace new, to someone who has never cut my hair before. I have to say, I think she's my new hairdresser. Sorry Manda, my cousin who has been doing my hair for several years, Kelly rocks!

I went and and said "I want Cameron Diaz's There's Something About Mary Hair". She laughed and asked if I wanted the sperm hair or her regular hair. Too funny.

I've known Kelly since she was born. Her mom did my hair when I was growing up. She's also been a friend of our family since the beginning of time. She pierced my ears. Gave me my first REAL perm, not the crappy home-perm kind.

I got the haircut on my lunch break and so far no one has noticed.

They're coming to take me away ha ha he he to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time

If only my post title were true. Sadly, I think even in a nut house I could top any certifiably whacked out nut job with the events of my life. Just in the past month alone.

So, something GOOD has happened lately. My daughter pulled out her second loose tooth last night just before she went to bed. Bottom front left side. So, now she has a gaping hole on the bottom left and a partially dropped "big" tooth on the top right. As I did when she lost her first tooth, I took a picture of her new smile within minutes of the detoothing. She said it herself - she looks like a jack-o-lantern. A cute one, no less.

My dad and uncle got the hell out of dodge yesterday. They are now safely in excess of 1,000 miles away back to Arizona and away from their psycho sister-in-law Heidi. Lucky lucky men those two.

Another GOOD thing is that now that Dad is back in Arizona and Mom's here in Illinois alone (not really "alone" family is still here - just that Dad is gone) for two more weeks she's pulling out the mo-lah-lah. She called me yesterday and told me I HAD to stop by the local ladies clothing store, that she had put some things back for me and that she was going to buy them. WELL HELLO MAMA! She does this from time to time, says that since I work in a professional office I need to have professional clothes. Yeah, we're real professional here - bossman comes in no less than once a week in ratty jeans and a Harley shirt. A real class act, I know. At least she's realized now that it's better to let me (a) try things on because yes I am the size she tells me I can't possibly be and (b) if she wants me to actually wear the things she buys me it's best if I like them. So, I guess if she approves of the things I picked out at lunch today I'll be soon be sporting a new suede leather shirt jacket and accompanying dress slacks.

A funny thing happened yesterday. I was sitting here clacking away at the keyboard actually doing some work and my hubby called asking me if I had heard anything about the Heidi letter. I had no clue what he was talking about. So he reads me this letter, mailed to us by my Psycho Family Pot Stirrer Aunt Heidi. It was her half-assed attempt to apologize, I think. When I got home from work I had the chance to look at it myself and make my theories. Here's what I came up with: (1) It's a chain letter since it's obvious she got the words she wanted out there and then she decided to send it to everyone by hand writing their name in the "Dear -----" space and putting cc: every fricking member of our family at the bottom, (2) she was very general with her half-assed apology and failed to mention specific instances that she was attempting to apologize for, (3) she made a statement that she has spent her entire life helping other people in our family not once asking for anything in return (HA!), (4) she claimed that her children were wonderful big hearted people who were kind and compassionate (see below), and she blamed everyone's pissy attitude's on Eric's death.

OK, here's the truth of the matter: (1) her daughter is getting married in 3 months and she's scrambling now to make sure the whole family will be in attendance - which isn't going to happen come hell or high water, (2) she's spent her entire life cutting down every single person in our family to make herself and her kids look better, (3) her children have had problems as bad as or worse than everybody else's kids - except for the fact that everyone else has ponied up and accepted responsibility for their actions rather than by trying to place blame on someone else to cover their own ass (meaning - Amanda blaming Skyler for her pot on her kitchen table neartly a month after he had been home visiting rather than fessing up that it belonged to her - you know, she was arrested not that long ago for possession. The way I was tought 1+1=2), and (4) this family has had a fucking attitude toward Heidi since February 26, 1954 - the day she was born - none of this is because of Eric! Her behavior after Eric's death is what just broke the proverbial camels back. As a matter of fact, Eric hadn't spoken to Heidi in over a year because of some smart ass cut down she threw at him and he told her to shove her opinion up her ass and never speak to him again.

Doesn't the drama of my life sound like the biggest load of bullshit known to man? Does to me.

As they say - You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. Believe me, if I COULD pick my family, there's only a few out of my messed up dysfunctional family that would make the cut.

Some days I just wanna .....

S C R E A M ! ! ! !

And today is turning out to be one of them.

The saga with picking up the pieces of our messed up family continues, surprise surprise. Now my aunt that caused all the problems at the funeral has some new tricks up her sleeve she's pulling out.

Now she's trying to "hack in" to Eric's computer to see if there is anything in there that would indicate this end result was coming. Like it matters at this point. Evidently she has some covert computer hacking skills she learned being Betty Crocker Suzy Homemaker never held a job for more than a year in her life.

I'm so incredibly sick of all of that drama. Eric is dead, he did it to himself. There is nothing any of us did to push him to that point. There is no way any of us could have known he would do this. There is nothing we could have done to stop his actions. The end.

I tried explaining to the rest of my family, Aunt Butt-insky included, that IF anyone were to hack in to his computer they might find something they would wish that they hadn't. And everybody knows damn well that no one in my family can keep their effing mouths shut when they think they've got some juicy information. So whatever might be found would be all over the place, for everyone in town to know instead of a select few family members.

Bottom line - no amount of snooping into any of Eric's affairs will change the end result. None of it will magically make him raise from the dead. It doesn't matter.

The majority of this drama unfolded earlier this morning as I was on the phone with my mother. She was getting all worked up, my grandma was getting all worked up, Eric's mom was getting all worked up...So I told them I'd be right there.

It ended up being 20 minutes before my normal 11:30 a.m. lunch hour but I went anyway and got back to the office at 12:10 p.m. so I was still only gone for 1 hour.

As if all the above bullshit wasn't enough I was reminded that our lunch hours can not be changed. So, even though my leaving for lunch at 11:10 a.m. rather than 11:30 a.m. did NOTHING to her lunch, I have to use personal time. Let me tell you what I think about that - It's bull fucking shit.

It's ok for her to move her lunch around and ask me to swap. But when I leave to help with a family situation that doesn't effect anybody's lunch hour except mine I lose personal time.

Oh yeah, I could take as much time as I needed to grieve. Again, personal time. We evidenlty have no policy for breavement time. Fucked up. I work for lawyers.


AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Trying to move forward

I trying really hard to move forward from the messed up situation that happened in my family one week ago today. It's hard. It's really really hard.

Yesterday when I took my daughter to school I walked her in rather than dropping her at the curb since I wanted to talk to her teacher and make sure there were no issues at school we had to deal with. She told me that Thursday was a little rough at times, that there were many tears shed and that she was crying right along with her. Her father-in-law just passed away a few weeks ago and she said he remembers all to well what the grief process is like.

We got to talking and she told me that she had done a lot of reading about suicide and if there is any way to attempt to prevent it. She said that every book she's read says how difficult this type of death is for the survivors to move past. So so true.

We have closure, obviously, we just don't have the reason. When someone dies after being ill, you know why. When someone dies from injuries in an accident, you know why.

When someone kills themselves, you never know why. We all try to theorize and come up with a reason, place blame on ourselves, say that we should have seen the signs, should have asked the questions. Should have, Should have, Should have ....... It goes on forever.

During the days I find myself tearing up from time to time. I thought I was done crying but evidently I'm not. Immediately after his death I found myself having strange thoughts when I'd be not quite asleep at night. Like, as I'm laying in bed nice and toasty wondering if he's cold laying under the frozen earth. Consciously I know the thought of that is absurd, it's the subconscious that thinks all these crazy thoughts I'm having.

I know that one day we'll have all moved beyond our grief and that our memories will fade and only be renewed on key dates - like the date of his death, his birthday, family get togethers for holidays. That makes me sad. To think that we can have so much grief now replaced by complaisance in the future is disturbing to me although I know it's just human nature.

Here they come again. The tears, oh the tears.

Unanswered Questions

There are still so many questions we'll never ever have any answers to.

My family was in rare fashion during all of the events - as usual we all ended up pissed off at one person and one person only. One of my aunts who evidently decided she was running the show and grasping for all the glory.

Get a fucking grip HEIDI!!!! Even when somebody shoots themselves in the head we can't get along.

Looks to me like Eric might be the luckiest guy in the world - he finally got away from all the bullshit that is our family.

I don't mean that - I don't. I just think that this was a time when we should have all been working together instead of someone thinking they needed to be top dog. None of what has happened since Noon on Wednesday, January 10, 2007 has been about anybody other than Eric - and that's the way it should be.

In Memory of

My 29 year old cousin took his own life yesterday.

I'm normally the glue that holds all my family together - but on this one, I can't.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

That's what I'd like to be doing right now - taking a nap. I am so unbelievably tired this week. If I didn't know better I'd think there was something seriously wrong with me.

First off, this has been one of my worst weeks as far as sleep quality. Ever. Other than the two week span of little to no sleep nearly 10 years ago, this week takes the cake. Last night I was sleeping poorly to begin with - couldn't get comfortable, I was hot, then I was cold, the dog was breathing too loudly, one of the cats was on my head - then at 2am my daughter thought it was time to wake up. Ohhhh, what I wouldn't do for a nice long nap under a snuggly warm blanket.

I've been hitting the gym pretty hard this month. It's my goal to run no less than 2.5 miles each day. Since I don't go on Friday's (they close too early for me to make it there) I have to kick it up at least one other day during the week to compensate. I've started using Thursday as that day - so, watch out tomorrow. I go at night, 6:30 ish, and I'm sure that is the main reason for my inability to sleep well.

Everybody there (I used to work there so I know basically everybody) thinks my 125 at 35 goal is insane. It's just a goal people! Deep down I know I'd be more than happy to weigh 130, which is a drop of just about 10 pounds from my current weight.

I know I'm not overweight and I know that most people, from what they see of me with clothes on, don't believe I need to loose any weight at all. But I know what's underneath, I know that I weigh right now nearly what I weighed at 9 months pregnant, I know that I want to lose fat and gain muscle all the while firming up.

I also know that this week with what I've been shoving down my throat I should have gained 10 pounds and that it's only the running that is keeping things in check at this point.

So, I broke down and bought a Jorge Cruise book from eBay that will hopefully be what I'm looking for instead of another $10 down the drain on weight loss crap. I paid out the butt for shipping and only after I sent the PayPal payment found out that they ship media mail. So, I might get my book before my birthday in April but we'll see - don't even get me started on the postal system - I will go postal.

Maybe tomorrow, if I'm not sleeping on the job or swamped (like lately - too many ignorant people getting divorced that won't agree on jack shit) I'll post about my run ins with the post office and why I think they all need to be put out of their misery.

He's ba-aack

Mr. McStalker, that is.

Not that he ever left, he's just turned his game back on. I don't get it - why is it that guys always go after girls that are (1) way out of their league, or (2) already taken. Makes no sense at all. But then again, neither does woman going after men that are gay.

So, last Friday afternoon McStalker is in our office for the upteenth time that week and I had talked to him on the phone at minimum 10 times each day. He was getting ready to leave and was seriously begging me for my cell phone number. He asked me if I had plans for New Year's and if I wanted some if I didn't.

I refused to give him my cell phone number. He continued with his pleading until my co-worker came out and caught him in the act. THAT shut him up fast! My boss was out of town at the time and in the midst of McStalker being here we received a fax from his soon-to-be ex-wife's attorney wanting an out of court settlement. I gave him a copy and he said "If I could jump over this counter I'd kiss you." (we have a really tall counter separating us from the clients - phew)

My boss got back, looked at the fax and asked me if McStalker knew how to get ahold of me on the weekends. Huh? I told him no and he said "Make sure you call him right now and give him your cell phone number so he can call if there are any new developments."

But?

What?

What just happened here? Now I HAVE to give my cell phone number to someone who was just begging for it and I told them no? No fair. I did call and give him my cell. Thankfully he's never called.

OK. I've admitted it before. I guess I like that he's doing this stuff - flattering, no? But that's as far as it's going. He's an OK guy and all, but you have to wonder if SOME of the complaints his soon-to-be ex-wife have made aren't true. I mean, if he were the perfect guy they wouldn't be getting divorced.

If I weren't married, I'd go out with him a couple times and give him a run for his money.

Why my New Year's celebration was so incredibly boring

Well, I supposed part of the answer to that would have to be the fact that I live right smack dab in the middle of nowhere in Central Illinois. I'm about 75 miles from Peoria, about 75 miles from the Quad Cities and about 200 miles from Chicago. So that puts me right about ..... there.

The town I live in is home to me and approximately 7,199 other people living in the middle of nowhere.

Back in the late 70's my parent's opened a business here. Up until about 4 years ago I thought for sure I'd be dealing in furniture for the rest of my life. It was 4 years ago come May that my parents told us that they had hired a company to do a going out of business sale.

Devastated?
Not really.
Surprised?
Definitely.
Relieved?
Incredibly!

Anyway. A couple years after the business opened they started doing a big sale on New Year's Day. We're talking about a 5 hour day that pretty much brought in the same amount of money as half the year would normally pull. It was insane. As soon as my sister and I were in High School it was mandatory that we worked the New Year's Day sale. Seriously, from 1987 to 2003 I missed one. Only because 11 days earlier I had given birth to a nearly 8 lb. baby. And if I had done it any way other than a C-Section I guarantee they would have asked my OB/GYN if it was ok for me to work that day.

So, since I had to work on New Year's Day basically my entire adult life, going out and partying on New Year's Eve was pretty much out of the question. Tried it once and learned a very valuable lesson - retail and hangovers do not mix.

Needless to say - my plans this year were not very exciting. It involved steak on the grill along with some thawed out shrimp and nearly an entire bottle of wine - by myself. I was in bed before 11pm and couldn't have cared less that it was midnight or the start of a new year.

I did make a resolution though, and I'm pretty much already undermining my self. It's my goal to weigh 125 pounds by the time I turn 35 in April. So, 15-20 pounds is what I want to shed in 4 months. Should be easy. I work out 5 times a week and run 2.5 miles 5 times a week. I don't snack, don't care for sweets (much) and don't drink to excess or even every week. The problem I have is that I eat too much when I do eat.

Take today for example. Started off with a creamfilled longjohn donut. Had a cup of coffee with cream. Good so far - but then comes lunch. I had a salad with cottage cheese and lo-cal dressing, a bagel with cream cheese and a yogurt with Heath Bar chunks in it. I was doing really good until I hit the bagel with cream cheese. The bagel itself had more calories than everything else I ate combined. DISGUSTING.

That's my downfall - carbs. If I had to go on a low/no carb diet tomorrow I'd be dead by Monday.