Trying to move forward

I trying really hard to move forward from the messed up situation that happened in my family one week ago today. It's hard. It's really really hard.

Yesterday when I took my daughter to school I walked her in rather than dropping her at the curb since I wanted to talk to her teacher and make sure there were no issues at school we had to deal with. She told me that Thursday was a little rough at times, that there were many tears shed and that she was crying right along with her. Her father-in-law just passed away a few weeks ago and she said he remembers all to well what the grief process is like.

We got to talking and she told me that she had done a lot of reading about suicide and if there is any way to attempt to prevent it. She said that every book she's read says how difficult this type of death is for the survivors to move past. So so true.

We have closure, obviously, we just don't have the reason. When someone dies after being ill, you know why. When someone dies from injuries in an accident, you know why.

When someone kills themselves, you never know why. We all try to theorize and come up with a reason, place blame on ourselves, say that we should have seen the signs, should have asked the questions. Should have, Should have, Should have ....... It goes on forever.

During the days I find myself tearing up from time to time. I thought I was done crying but evidently I'm not. Immediately after his death I found myself having strange thoughts when I'd be not quite asleep at night. Like, as I'm laying in bed nice and toasty wondering if he's cold laying under the frozen earth. Consciously I know the thought of that is absurd, it's the subconscious that thinks all these crazy thoughts I'm having.

I know that one day we'll have all moved beyond our grief and that our memories will fade and only be renewed on key dates - like the date of his death, his birthday, family get togethers for holidays. That makes me sad. To think that we can have so much grief now replaced by complaisance in the future is disturbing to me although I know it's just human nature.

Here they come again. The tears, oh the tears.