Reflection

Well, the past couple days I've taken some time off from posting to re-read some of my previous posts.

I sound like an idiot.

I wouldn't necessarily call myself intelligent, but I know I'm not dumb. I guess I'd consider myself to have far more street smarts than book smarts. I am, after all, a college drop-out. It isn't that I couldn't make it through college - I didn't want to make it through college, I sabotaged myself by my total lack of discipline. Of course, it didn't help any when my boyfriend was back home and I was 3 1/2 hours away. I spent too much time doting on that (failed) relationship than worrying about my studies. Lesson well learned.

I think I've also come across as someone who, although married, would jump in bed with another guy on a whim. That's totally false. I'll admit that I have recently put myself in a situation with an ex-boyfriend that would lead any reader to believe that I would/had jump(ed) into bed with him. It didn't happen and it won't happen. I do feel a strong connection to that particular ex, some things happened while we were together and shortly after our split that will always be, no matter how much I may want to wash that part of my life away I can't because of those particular incidents.

My husband and I have been married for nearly eight years (next month) and have been together for over ten. Just like every other married couple (who are honest about the state of their relationship) we've had some tough times. I'm sure that he wants to get rid of me sometimes as much as I want to get rid of him at times. We have a beautiful little girl who is almost 6 and is a carbon copy of her father. That little girl is my life and I will do anything for her within my means. She's the only kid I've got and I can not, will not, imagine my life without her.

I think the main problems with our relationship are that we've hit a rut, so to speak, and that he has either run off or put down any girl friends I've had. My best friend, that I had long before I met him, is one perfect example.

She and I are total opposites, which was why our friendship worked so well. She was single, no kids, living on her own, and a little on the wild side. At that time I too was single, no kids, living on my own, but very conservative. We would go partying with "the guys" back in the day - ahh the good old days. When he and I got married she was my maid of honor - that's pretty much where the love/hate relationship started. She lived in Peoria and I went there for a night for my bachorlette party - no big deal, it was just her and I out on the town. I had promised hubby that I wouldn't drink much and we be home relatively early the next day. Everything went really well with that plan until we went to one particular bar and the bartender thought I needed a "bloody brain" shot. From there it's a little hazy. All I know is that I got home late and had two large welts and several bruises on my head, chest and arms. It all came back to me and I realized that the "bloody brain" cursed me - made me fall out of bed and walk into a wall. Ouch. That was pretty much the beginning of the end. Hubby started bad mouthing her so much that she just quit calling or coming over. I can't blame her really.

So, I have nobody to talk to when I need to vent about him being an asshole. That's where this site came in. He has no idea I have a blog and I don't access it from our home computer. I NEED to have this space to get this crap worked out.

As far as the rut goes ... I love my husband, very much. I won't say that I can't live without him because I can. It's just that there isn't the spark that there used to be. His idea of foreplay anymore is coming up and saying "You wanna suck my dick?", or by talking about the "good old days" in front of our 5 year old daughter. There's a time and place for everything and it isn't when you've got a child in the room with you. Very romantic huh. I've tried to explain this to him and he just tells me I belong on Little House on the Prairie. I don't - he just needs to realize that I can't/don't automatically raise to the occasion. He doesn't get it, probably never will.

So, hopefully I can move forward from this post on not sounding like a fricking idiot. I'm doing the best I can with what I've got to work with, and that's really all anybody can do.