My Eyes are Wellen

Oh, today has been a rough day for me - my daughter started Kindergarten, today is the first full day.

This morning as we were driving across town to get to her school I made sure we talked about all the important things she'd need to know for today - like when she goes to the bathroom that she needs to wipe, flush and wash her hands (this rarely happens independently at home); that she needs to eat her food with her utensils instead of her hands (she just started eating with her hands again about 6 months ago, silverware was mastered up to that point); that she needs to raise her hand when she wants/needs to talk to the teacher; where she needs to go when she gets inside the school; and most importantly I told her that every kid that was there for kindergarten today was in the same situation as her - it was their first day of kindergarten too and she needed to make some friends and help the kids that were having trouble not being with mom or dad.

We went yesterday for 15 minutes so she could meet her teacher one-on-one and put her school supplies away. In the pamphlet they handed out they urged parents to drop their kids at the sidewalk (which is normal protocol) so they had the feeling of independence and confidence rather than to walk them to their room. So, I did just that - unlike 98% of the other parents there with their kids. It was the biggest cluster f*ck I've seen in my life.

So, we pulled aside, I got her unbuckled, got her school bag on her back and gave her a hug and kiss and sent her on her way. I couldn't even look back and watch to make sure she got IN the school because of all the traffic congestion. As I drove away I started to cry, in fact I'm starting to tear up again thinking about it as I type. I guess it hit me that my baby is no longer a baby. I want her to grow up and be strong and independent, but at the same time I want her to need me.

I'm trying to convince myself that these are tears of joy. I'm trying, but it's not really working.