Like so many others....

Over the course of my life I have been able to "keep my demons in check" as they say. Lately, I feel like I'm losing that battle.

In a short period of time I've gone from being completely underwhelmed by my life to being completely overwhelmed by my life. I don't know if the depression bug has finally been able to dig under my thick skin but all I have to say is that this sucks major league.

One thing I know for sure is that I am not, will not, seek any sort of assistance from a shrink of any kind. Selfish? Sure. Stupid? Maybe to you but not to me.

Several years ago I had a spell where I couldn't sleep for about 2 weeks. I was tired, but my mind was racing a million miles an hour all night long. Somehow, I managed to maintain my daily functions to a somewhat normal degree, but I was so tired. I started by going to my GP. He tells me I'm manic depressive. What?!? Sends me to a shrink who has me complete a million fricking pages of life history. Bottom line, he tells me I'm harboring feelings that somehow I thought I was responsible for my parents divorcing when I was 3. What the fuck? My biological father is a worthless piece of shit that couldn't keep his dick in his pants and has a pathological need to abandon all children he spawned. Made that conclusion on my own after he allowed another man to adopt my sister and I and has continued to do so with all the other children he's had with other women. (smartest thing the jerk ever did) I hate the man and no one forced me to make that decision. (My sister wants to try to find him and let him know she has a daughter - so that shows we weren't "told" how to feel about this man) I told the shrink where he could stick his clinical impression of my life that he knew nothing about, went to the chiropractor and slept like a baby.

So, needless to say, my experience with psych people isn't good. I also had 2 roommates in college that were psych majors and they were the most messed up people I've met in my life. I came to the conclusion that people who were psych majors were the people who had their own bag of problems and instead of dealing with their stuff they would diagnosis and tell others how to deal with things. If you are/were a psych major and don't agree, sorry - my opinion and I'm entitled to it.

There is so much more that I could get into. I need to get it out somehow in an attempt at getting this dealt with. I don't have any girlfriends to work this out with, my husband ran all of them off. I can't talk to him about it, he's a huge part of the problem. I don't want to talk to my mom about it, I'm the emotionally strong one in our family. I drink, but I'm not a drinker and that would just make matters worse anyhow after the temporary alcohol induced numbness wore off.

I just need someone to talk to, that's been down this road, who isn't going to be judgmental at how I'm losing it over the most minute things. I know there are others feeling the same as me out there, finding them is the trick.

I think I'm going to start a journal of some sort. Maybe that will help me get the feelings out and help me deal with things a little better. I've never been much of a writer but I'm willing to try if it means lifting the fog that's around me.